I have my MacPro on my lap, I am contemplating many things as I silently sit here. I hear the fridge and a faint ring in my ear and the tap, tap, tap, of the keys. I used to like quietness, but I do not like the quietness that I am hearing these days. It has become far too quiet in our home, I would gladly welcome some of the old chaos of days gone by.

The M&M’s wrapper just crinkled and the crunch of a peanut can be heard as I chew. Tap, tap, tap goes the keyboard and then the silence comes again. I remember how we prepared for the nest to empty in 2013 and adjusted to life without kids in the house. Jared our youngest went to Wheaton College in Chicago that fall and all was hushed In the Cape Cod. The nest was only vacated a couple short months when Jacob came home to live while attending classes at a nearby college. Things got a little more noisy, but between school and his job Jacob didn’t add much busyiness to the house. A baseball game could be heard as we nodded off on the couch at the end of our long days. The occasional sound of him strumming his guitar and singing could also be heard faintly from his basement bedroom. I miss that the most.

The music stopped. On March 26, 2014 Jacob died and the somewhat silent home became a chaotic and noisy house of pain. Many people, many tears, much sobbing and many prayers filled the normally quiet place. The people came and the people went, life carried on for them but for us a surreal and much different silence took over the house. Then six weeks later on May 8th Stacey’s mother died and we started all over again. The house again gets busy and familiar sounds of sobs bounce off the walls. The noise continues until the frost in the ground thaws and we can bury 3 of our loved ones. Granny, grandma and our son Jake all buried the on the same day in the same cemetery; May 15th 2014, one year to the day that our beloved nephew Justin died at 23 of a drug overdose. Today I went to the place of their rest, all was quiet there too

The crinkling has stopped now, the candy is gone and I wait to see the Sonata drive past the westside picture window. I wait to hear her come through the door after a long 12 hour shift at the hospital. I wait for the silence to be broken with a “Hey honey, how was your day?” There is something comforting about her voice that breaks the silence. Silently now I wait for you. I guess I could have noise filling the house, the TV could be on and music could be playing I suppose. I prefer the tap tap tapping of the laptop and to patiently wait for the sweet sound of your voice to break the sad silence.

There once was a time I loved silence but now there is a kind silence that I hate. The silence I hate began after Linda (my mother in law) died. When she died all went silent in our house. Her passing has silenced everything we knew about family.  Much of our family life and gatherings took place because of her presence. She was a treasure of a woman, a truly selfless saint, a compassionate lady who kept the bustle going in all of our households. Now she is gone. Now there is a silence that I hate. Tap tap tap go the keys…I can’t write about birthday parties and noisy kids running everywhere. I can’t write about Thanksgiving day at grandmas because that is a thing of the past. I can’t write about Christmas eve or a house chocked full of family and food. There is no laughter at the card table on New Years Eve…tap tap tap…there is nothing but the silence that I hate. Here I sit, here I wait, tap, tap, tap, listening to the silence I hate. No kids, no grandkids, no activity… nothing but silence, nothing as I wait.

My I -phone just rang. It’s Stacey, we discuss a few things and share a couple of laughs. She should be home in an hour or so…tap tap tap. Time rolls, and the silence is broken with the sound of a Harley Davidson going by. It’ s Pat my brother in law who lives next door coming home late from who knows where. The sound of family nearby comforts me by that sweet rumble that only a Harley can make. Tap, tap, tap, here I wait in the silence again. Waiting to hear the one sound that makes the sad silence go away. The sound of her voice will soon break the cool October air and all the silence I hate will be broken. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of the voice of someone you love. Her voice is worth the wait, her voice takes all my silent pain away. Silently now I wait for you…tap, tap, tap!