killing the envy in grief

There is the ugly side of me that awakened within my spirit when my son died. He is the true me, the dark side of me that was unearthed by four deaths in my family. He has always lived within me, though in the shadows and always lurking in the dark and in the secret places of my heart. He is my constant companion, he lives as I live and I hate his very presence.  His name is envy and I despise him deeply, he has a voice and his voice causes my conscience to reply back to his evil utterance. I scream at him, “Love does not envy!” I desire to kill him and to silence his taunts yet when he’s confronted he recedes to the darkness again until another opportune time comes for him to expose his ugly head and to whisper into my ear.

Envy says many ugly things to me, things like, “Why does that kid get to live and your boy is dead?” Envy stands in the dark part of my eye and looks through the window at the happy people and utters, “Why do they get to be happy and I drown in sadness?” Envy recently seen a family the way mine used to be, he turned to my mind and said a terrible thing to me. He whispered, “Your family is shattered, it can never be the same. Why do they remain unbroken and feeling no pain?” I’d like to say envy has no place in me. However, honest grievers will all admit that envy arrives at the most unexpected times and in unsuspecting ways. I hate this dark companion, I distain his ugly face, I wish that I could kill him but when confronted he disappears without a trace.

Envy is ever with me where ever I may go. He sees all that once was and all that now is and desires what can never be. Envy craves for what it cannot have and embitters the heart of the one who makes him his constant friend. He is my constant enemy, he opposes the very nature and character of love; envy is the murderer of love.

God kill the envy in me for I know that you are love and, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends! (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Turn away from me envy from where you came, for the light of God’s love has exposed your ugly shame. Go back into hiding and return to your cell, to the place that you belong, to a place in the deepest hell.

Shine forth light of love, shine on in me, shine on forever, shine on I plead.

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