Ten years ago today Jacob Michael Fekete, my son, lived his last day among us.

Wow, a decade has passed and I can say it’s been an education I wouldn’t wish on anyone. What I have learned I’ve tried to communicate as best I can by writing. Words have their limitations however to express what has really taken place in me.

Grief is a teacher and we have been in her classroom for ten years now. There is no scheduled graduation day.

We suffered 4 unexpected family deaths in 12 months. Our nephew, our grandmother, our son and our mother. Ending with 3 committals to the earth in one day on May 15, 2014.

Nobody ever signs up voluntarily for this incredibly difficult curriculum. Once you are enrolled you discover there is no final exam. There are just multiple lessons, many on repeat, that were difficult to understand but the longer we spent in the classroom the wiser we became.

What have I been taught and what have I learned about myself in Grief 101?

A decade of hindsight has shown me the person I was before I went into the lecture hall. I now see my ignorance, my arrogance and my pride before all the deaths.

Pride prevented me from seeing God and people clearly. Pride is like a mirror in which we gaze and only see ourselves. Grief can compound that issue or humble us. Grief humbled me. The mirror was removed and now I see God and people more clearly.

What has Grief 101 taught me about God? I’ve learned more of God in grief than I ever knew about him before our losses.

I can relate to the words of Job who suffered greatly in this classroom. He lost everything. His health, wealth and children were all taken from him.

Job wanted an explanation from God that is never given to him. Instead God removes the mirror and shows Job his awesomeness. Job’s response is humble worship.

Job said, “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” Job 42:5-6

There are things we heard about God before we entered griefs classroom. Suffering, grief and pain opened our eyes to God, humbling us and is teaching wonderful things about Jesus. Things we heard of but never understood outside the classroom door.

Things about his sovereignty, his Spirit and his Father. Things about the depth of his love, his patience, his strength and his faithfulness. His mercy and grace are more clearly seen. The hope and peace he gives is immeasurable. The comfort of God and the presence of his Spirit are more deeply understood in grief.

I would not exchange the education that grief has shown me about God. No, I would not want to turn the clock back if it were possible. Jake was precious but he’s in the arms of God now. What I’ve gained since that day is priceless and I would not trade. Not even for Jake. He is in the far better place.

Tears blurred my vision of God in the early years of my grief. But Jesus cupped my face, wiped away my tears and showed me more clearly who he is. Our living hope.

It’s passion week. Jesus was crucified, buried and raised from the dead as all the prophesies of him foretold. Jesus is alive and I ask you a life altering question or two.

Who do you know who has beat death? Can you beat death? I can’t, you can’t, my loved ones couldn’t. It’s Jesus alone.

Humble yourself and believe. Call on him today.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” -Jesus